Infinite

I don’t really have much to say today, but just wanted to post this clip.This ending is my favourite of any film. The song is one of my favourites, a classic. The Perks of Being a Wallflower is one of my favourite films of all time.

I even have a lame drawing on my wall of this quote:Image

I love this quote more every time I look at it. I want more moments like that, with people I actually care about. Just those little moments, sitting in the park at night… staying up talking instead of sleeping… listening to that song and screaming because it’s “your song.” Gah, there are people I hate to think about, but you can’t help remember the fun you had with them. And I suppose that’s better than having nothing.

It’s moments when I look at the stars and it’s funny. I feel so small and insignificant that I feel infinite. It doesn’t really make sense. But, in the grand scheme of how small we are in comparison to the universe, I feel like I am limitless. My tiny, minuscule part in time is so small that, why should I have any limits? Why shouldn’t I feel infinite?

I wish…

I wish I wasn’t such a closed book. To people I don’t know, this suits me fine, but to the people I’m closest to it bums me out that I still find it so difficult to talk about stuff. So many situations would have been sorted out quicker if I just had the courage to talk. This was the hardest thing I found about cognitive behavioural therapy as well. I mean, I can hardly talk to my best friends let alone some psychologist guy I’ve never met! Ironically, I can talk for England about rubbish.

I wish I didn’t repress emotion so much. Has anyone ever seen The Holiday? Well, you know the character Cameron Diaz plays who can’t cry? Well, that’s me. Not as bad, I mean, put me in front of The Lion King and I’ll weep like a baby for hours, but real life? Nah. Crying is not for me. Don’t get me wrong, I hate it when you have those people who cry over the slightest thing. My God, man up! But, I would like to be able to express emotions a little better.

I wish I could make time stand still at certain moments. Things are changing too quickly for me. I could really do with a Bernard’s watch. There are just some moments that are so good, that you just want to freeze time, but too quickly, they fade away.

I wish I had something, a talent, that I was really good at and really motivated towards. This, I know, is my fault. I do seem to be one of life’s quitters. I used to run, swim, play football, do Taekwondo, all to a fairly high standard, but do I do any of these anymore? Nope. I am starting to get back into stuff, and hopefully I will stay committed this time. I WILL stay committed this time!

I wish people didn’t care so much about appearance; I wish there was less stigma over mental illness; I wish TV shows like TOWIE didn’t exist; I wish there was no poverty; I wish animals were not being killed for money; I wish the rainforests weren’t being destroyed; I wish, I wish, I wish…

We all wish. But do we actually do?

Would you like to see into the future?

If you could go forward in time and see yourself in the future, would you?

Would you like to know what you look like? Where you live? What your job is? Do you have kids? Do they look like you? Are you married?

Would your life be what you expected? Would you happy with it? Or would you try to change it?

A friend of mine has literally planned her life out to a tee. She’s already picked out her children’s names, planned her wedding down to the colour of the bridesmaids dresses and flower arrangements. Her dream is to have children, to have a family. I admire her in some ways, the fact she knows what she wants when I don’t have a clue! But what if, for some reason you can’t predict, her dream can’t come true. What if, by some trick of fates, she can’t have kids? Wouldn’t it be harder, after spending so much of your life wanting, if you don’t achieve? Would you rather know if you could? Surely it would save you disappointment in the future?  And that way you can work towards different goals?

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment

– Buddha

I’m curious about my future, of course I am, isn’t everyone? But would I like to know what happens? Most of the time, probably not. Some days, maybe I think would, just to check I’ve made the right decisions. But if you know what’s going to happen then really, what is the point in life?

Pick the day. Enjoy it – to the hilt. The day as it comes. People as they come… The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present – and I don’t want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future.

– Audrey Hepburn