Working on checkouts in a supermarket has made me hate people.
Not all of them. Just a lot. There are some funny moments. Like the kid who pulled out a tampon from her mum’s handbag, started waving it around and yelling “What’s this!?” I thought the woman was going to pass out from embarrassment. Or the other kid who kept asking her dad what the F word is.
But, in general, people piss me off. If you are shopping and get to a till and want to be liked, simply follow this good customer guide:
1. DON’T be a smartarse. If the cashier asks you whether you would like a bag, just say yes or no. Do not reply with some some sarcastic comment like, “Oh, well where else am I going to put my shopping? In my pockets?” My God, it’s our job to ask you. You’re supposed to reuse your own you moron.
2. If the cashier holds out their hand for your money DON’T put it on the cashier belt next to it. Why would you do that? It causes unnecessary struggling when you can’t pick the coins up. Why else would I be holding my hand out? For you to shake it? I don’t think so.
3. DON’T be rude. When the cashier says hello, bloody say hello back! Manners do not cost a thing. You might not particularly want to talk to the cashier but trust me, they sure as hell don’t want to talk to you either if you’re just going to be rude. You only have to talk to the cashier for five minutes out of your day, they have to talk to people for 8 hours of theirs. Have some courtesy.
4. DON’T get stroppy if you get an offer wrong, or picked up food without a barcode or forget to use your voucher. Your fault, not theirs, so quit yo whining.
5. DON’T bother getting the cashier to call their supervisor over if you get ID’d. They have to back up their staff so not only are you wasting their time, you’re also wasting your own and the queue of people behind you. So either have ID, or don’t bother trying it.
6. Not being racist, but seriously, when I’m on checkouts I get so many rude foreigners! You might not speak very good English, but I’m sure you can say, ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘hello.’ I wouldn’t go to your country and ignore you, flap my hands and click at you, so don’t do it to me. Language barrier is no excuse.
7. DON’T try and chat the cashier up. Another personal experience that has happened an unnerving number of times to me. No, they will not give out their number to you, you creepy 40-something year old man.
8. DON’T tell the cashier to ‘cheer up’ or ‘smile’ when they are simply sitting on their till with no customers. Would you sit on your own grinning to yourself? No. It’s weird. Stop trying to get them to do it then.
9. DON’T, when someone underage has to shout ‘alcohol,’ reply with ‘yes please!’ then laugh like it’s the most original joke ever. The cashier would have heard it about 20 times already that day. Guarantee.
10. The shop shuts at 4 yes? So get out at 4! DON’T carry on your shopping then slowly mosey on over to the checkout at twenty past. The cashiers want to go home! Go shopping earlier, or go somewhere that is still open, stop taking the piss!