Infinite

I don’t really have much to say today, but just wanted to post this clip.This ending is my favourite of any film. The song is one of my favourites, a classic. The Perks of Being a Wallflower is one of my favourite films of all time.

I even have a lame drawing on my wall of this quote:

I love this quote more every time I look at it. I want more moments like that, with people I actually care about. Just those little moments, sitting in the park at night… staying up talking instead of sleeping… listening to that song and screaming because it’s “your song.” Gah, there are people I hate to think about, but you can’t help remember the fun you had with them. And I suppose that’s better than having nothing.

It’s moments when I look at the stars and it’s funny. I feel so small and insignificant that I feel infinite. It doesn’t really make sense. But, in the grand scheme of how small we are in comparison to the universe, I feel like I am limitless. My tiny, minuscule part in time is so small that, why should I have any limits? Why shouldn’t I feel infinite?

#nomakeupselfie

Not gonna lie, I usually get really annoyed about these “campaigns.” Like “ooh change your Facebook status to the colour of your pants and you will find the cure for blindness.” blah blah blah. There’s no point to these things if no one knows what you are doing and if you’re not actually donating any money/ raising some sort of awareness.

That said, I did upload my no makeup selfie:

This campaign is different to the other ones. For most people. I have still seen a lot of people uploading a picture saying, “#nomakeupselfie” with no donation or hint at what they are doing. WHAT IS THE POINT?!?!? But by nominating people to upload a picture, DONATE and tell people to touch their boobies and their moobies, a difference can actually be made. A million pounds worth of a difference in fact! Cancer Research have a huuuuge influx of donations, mainly via text, in the past 24h hours. So lets keep it going!

Text “BEAT” to 70007 so future generations do not have to suffer from cancer. 

It can be beaten.

Smaaaaall world!

I have had one of those really random, really weird things happen to me that makes me realise just how small a world we live in! However, telling this story does have to start with a confession. I’m on Tinder. There, I said it. Not in a random hook up way, but more of a really horrible, I love to judge the men, type of way aha. This is important to my story, not just something I have to randomly get off of my chest!

So last summer I went out with one of my girl friends into London. She started hitting it off with this charming American man and, being the top wing-woman, I chatted to her friend. Luckily for me he was very good looking, funny, into his Martial Arts, loved Anchorman and most importantly, rich 😉 (JOKING. Mostly.). Safe to say, we hit it off. However. Snag. He had an unhappy relationship with a girl in America. Don’t worry, I’m not a home-wrecker, nothing cheeky happened, we just chatted, he took me out to dance with the saxophone man (you Londoners out there might know of whom I’m talking about). He told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he would have loved to see me again. But he did, so we parted and I thought nothing of it.

Until a couple of weeks ago. The weirdest thing happened and somehow, we matched on Tinder. It turned out he was down near where I live for the first time in over a year, just for a couple of days and by some craziness, we had got back into contact. Neither of us could quite believe it, convinced we wouldn’t see each other again! He wanted to meet up, but unfortunately I had an exam and then he left. But now he’s down near where I live again and I’m not there! But, he may be staying a little longer, so we may be meeting up.

Smaaall world. Freaky deaky.

Pathetic Fallacy. Definitely Pathetic.

Just a miserable little footnote to start off my miserable new post. Well, it’s not really a footnote, it’s at the top of the page. What’s the opposite of footnote? Headnote? Who knows? Who cares?

When I first started blogging, I did it because I’m a crazy, fame hungry woman who wants to take over the whole world with my incredibly interesting, thoughtful and hilarious blog. I wanted thousands of followers and millions of hits and hundreds of awards.

Yeah, I’ve kind of given up on that idea. 

I realise I haven’t blogged in a long while. I’ve had a massive writer’s block and whilst I’ve written some stuff in a notebook, it’s not anything I really want to repeat on here. So I realise I’ve probably lost a lot of followers and I know I’m not getting hundreds of views everyday (not that I ever did, in fact, I’m lucky if I get 20). But I’m kind of past caring. I’m just going to write now, when I want and about what I want and if you want to read it then, ‘yay’ if not, well, that’s fine too.

As you can probably tell, I’m a miserable bitch at the moment. 

So I’m slowing eating myself to death. Eating loads of crisps and chocolate and getting fat and dying of a heart attack, not literally eating myself. That would be weird and cannibalism scares me. Just to clear that up. I’m back at uni with the intention to do work, get fit and no boys. Only one of these I am too successfully achieving. I’m sure you can guess which one. Ironically, the weather’s been shit all week and so has my mood. So I’ve come on here for some bitchin.’ And what I’m bitchin’ about first is my brain. I hate it.

Why, why, does your brain always seem to go on overdrive just before you are about to go to sleep?! I always get inspiration to write or think up weird ideas when I’m in bed. And it’s bloody frustrating. Of course, I have to get out of my warm and comfy bed to write it down because I can’t go back to sleep. The idea won’t be the same in the morning! And thinking! There are some things I spend the whole day trying not to think about. I do any meaningless task or talk about any meaningless rubbish just to distract myself. Yet, as soon as I’m given just a second of silence to ponder, BAM, it’s straight back in my mind. Exactly where I don’t want it. And as much as I try to exhaust myself during the day, in the hope that I will simply just fall asleep… not a chance. For hours I can lie there, my thoughts keeping me awake, replaying every little moment over and over again, every possible thing that could have been done differently, every possible scenario that could have been, if only I’d done this, if only I’d not done that, why didn’t I say this? My God, I wish my brain had an off switch. Or I wish I was a goldfish.

It just doesn’t make sense!?

There are some things in life that don’t make sense.

This is one of them…

Da Fuck?

So, as well as having superhuman looks, superhuman wit and general superhuman amazing-ness, I also have superhuman strength.

I can break metal bitchez so don’t be messing wit’ me.

Why do we say a “pair of pants” when it’s just one… shouldn’t it be just a “pant”?

Why can Jack Black only play one character in any movie he’s in?

Why are sequels always worse than the original?

*With the exception of Bad Boys 2 ❤

Why do I still find Johnny Depp attractive as a murdering barber with a white streak in his hair?

Why are different religions so adamant that their own one is the true one?

Why are the dinosaurs not in the Bible!?

Why am I so ashamed to have Westlife in my iPod?

Why do the more followers, the more posts and the more tags I use lead to less and less views? God damnit. Stop. Obsessing. Over. Stats.

* But I love all of you who do read my blog 😀

Why do I think my dancing is sexy and provocative when all it does is make people run away in embarrassment?

Why do people let me drink alcohol?

Why am I a muggle? 😦

These are some of life’s big questions that I’ve been struggling with.

As you might be able to tell, I don’t get out much.

I wish…

I wish I wasn’t such a closed book. To people I don’t know, this suits me fine, but to the people I’m closest to it bums me out that I still find it so difficult to talk about stuff. So many situations would have been sorted out quicker if I just had the courage to talk. This was the hardest thing I found about cognitive behavioural therapy as well. I mean, I can hardly talk to my best friends let alone some psychologist guy I’ve never met! Ironically, I can talk for England about rubbish.

I wish I didn’t repress emotion so much. Has anyone ever seen The Holiday? Well, you know the character Cameron Diaz plays who can’t cry? Well, that’s me. Not as bad, I mean, put me in front of The Lion King and I’ll weep like a baby for hours, but real life? Nah. Crying is not for me. Don’t get me wrong, I hate it when you have those people who cry over the slightest thing. My God, man up! But, I would like to be able to express emotions a little better.

I wish I could make time stand still at certain moments. Things are changing too quickly for me. I could really do with a Bernard’s watch. There are just some moments that are so good, that you just want to freeze time, but too quickly, they fade away.

I wish I had something, a talent, that I was really good at and really motivated towards. This, I know, is my fault. I do seem to be one of life’s quitters. I used to run, swim, play football, do Taekwondo, all to a fairly high standard, but do I do any of these anymore? Nope. I am starting to get back into stuff, and hopefully I will stay committed this time. I WILL stay committed this time!

I wish people didn’t care so much about appearance; I wish there was less stigma over mental illness; I wish TV shows like TOWIE didn’t exist; I wish there was no poverty; I wish animals were not being killed for money; I wish the rainforests weren’t being destroyed; I wish, I wish, I wish…

We all wish. But do we actually do?

Imagination.

I step deeper into the jungle, my feet crunching on the dead leaves, as a giant, hairy, deadly tarantula scuttles towards me. I kick it away before it can sink its fangs into my leg and infect me with its poison. I creep forwards further, it’s getting darker now, the trees closer together, the brambles thicker. I pick some berries and greedily shove them into my mouth. Without sustenance I won’t be able to go on much further. Now I need water, I must quench my thirst before I get too weak. I listen carefully and can just about hear the roar of running water… there must be a river around here somewhere. I move towards the sound when suddenly, I make out another noise. The noise of branches shaking, leaves rustling and the deep rumble of a growl. Tiger. I catch a quick glimpse of the creature through the trees as it stalks towards me. A majestic animal, walking towards me with a grace and power and quietness I would never have dreamed possible. I slowly pull out my bow and nock my last arrow. I must be brave, I only have one shot. Sweating, I close one eye and let go of the string, launching the arrow towards the tiger where it buries itself in its leg. I don’t want to kill the animal, merely wound it and distract it long enough for escape. The beast lets out a ferocious roar and I turn around and run, run as fast as I can, jumping over fallen trunks and swinging myself from vines. I’ve somehow made it to the river! The water is very fast flowing and full of dangerous piranhas. I can see that further downstream it turns into a massive waterfall that would surely kill me if I fell down it. I glance behind me. The tiger is over its shock and is closing in on me! If I could just make it over the rapids then I could escape! I take a leap of faith and manage to grab hold of an overhanging branch. I cling onto its slippery surface for dear life, the piranhas jumping up at me, trying to tear my flesh off with their sharp teeth. I try to swing my legs up, I can feel my fingers slowly slipping! Sudden-

“COME ON, IT’S TIME TO GO HOME NOW, YOU’RE FILTHY AND NEED A BATH BEFORE BED!”

“Coming mum…”

Imagination. I want to be a kid again.

“Children see magic because they look for it”

– Christopher Moore

You said “yes”? Right, that’s the end of life as you know it!

What’s your biggest regret? Do you have one? Or are you happy with everything that’s happened? Every choice you have made? Every tiny decision that has formed your life?

If so, I’m jealous.

It amazes me how one teeny tiny “yes” or “no” can affect your entire future. One example for me was when I wanted to change secondary schools when I was 13. If I had, I wouldn’t have the same friends. I wouldn’t have the same personality. I wouldn’t have had the same experiences- both the good ones, and the bad.

Or would I? Is our life already decided for us? Would I still end up the person I am today if I had just said “yes”?

Your whole life is made up of billions of minuscule choices, even the ones you may not consider meaningful. The decision to say (or not to say) a certain thing might change the course of your future. The decision to do (or not to do) a particular thing may also alter your life. The decision to go to that certain bar at that certain time meant that you met that certain person who you end up married to. The decision to walk on that certain route home and witness that certain event that made you want to change your career and your life. There are those decisions you are glad you made, then there are those that you regret. But, given a second chance, would you make the same choice, or would you change? How much of your life can one decision effect?

Is life full of coincidences or is it fate?

Would you like to see into the future?

If you could go forward in time and see yourself in the future, would you?

Would you like to know what you look like? Where you live? What your job is? Do you have kids? Do they look like you? Are you married?

Would your life be what you expected? Would you happy with it? Or would you try to change it?

A friend of mine has literally planned her life out to a tee. She’s already picked out her children’s names, planned her wedding down to the colour of the bridesmaids dresses and flower arrangements. Her dream is to have children, to have a family. I admire her in some ways, the fact she knows what she wants when I don’t have a clue! But what if, for some reason you can’t predict, her dream can’t come true. What if, by some trick of fates, she can’t have kids? Wouldn’t it be harder, after spending so much of your life wanting, if you don’t achieve? Would you rather know if you could? Surely it would save you disappointment in the future?  And that way you can work towards different goals?

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment

– Buddha

I’m curious about my future, of course I am, isn’t everyone? But would I like to know what happens? Most of the time, probably not. Some days, maybe I think would, just to check I’ve made the right decisions. But if you know what’s going to happen then really, what is the point in life?

Pick the day. Enjoy it – to the hilt. The day as it comes. People as they come… The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present – and I don’t want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future.

– Audrey Hepburn

Sometimes, I don’t want to grow up.

Sometimes, getting older sucks. When you’re still in school you take for granted the people there. You just expect to go into class and see your best friend, stare at the guy you fancy, nod at the people you barely know and ignore the people you can’t stand. Even if you don’t go to the same school as your friends, you still live in the same area, still close enough to visit each other every weekend. Occasionally someone will move away, but that’s so rare you don’t think about it, and you still have your other friends to hang out with.

And then you get older and you leave school and everyone goes their separate ways. Some get a job, a lot go to Uni. Most people move away. Out of the hometown that you all grew up in. Admittedly, when I picked my University I wanted to be as far away as possible from home. It wasn’t until I moved away and realised how difficult it is to visit anyone or be visited, and how hard it is and how infrequent (not to mention expensive!) it is to go home that I started to regret my decision. Don’t get me wrong, I like my Uni, I’ve made some really good friends and the location is definitely better than my hometown, but I do often wish I had picked somewhere a bit closer to home.

A very close friend of mine told me he might be getting a job abroad; another of my best friends is going to America for a few months next year; I might be going abroad for a year’s work experience during my third year of Uni; even my brother wants to go to Uni in Australia (although unlikely, he’s too lazy to get himself a job). Thinking about this is when it really hit me how things have changed. I guess I just expected some people to be around all the time, every time I come back home, every time I just fancy a chat.

Sometimes, I really hate getting growing up.