Just a miserable little footnote to start off my miserable new post. Well, it’s not really a footnote, it’s at the top of the page. What’s the opposite of footnote? Headnote? Who knows? Who cares?
When I first started blogging, I did it because I’m a crazy, fame hungry woman who wants to take over the whole world with my
incredibly interesting, thoughtful and hilarious blog. I wanted thousands of followers and millions of hits and hundreds of awards.
Yeah, I’ve kind of given up on that idea.
I realise I haven’t blogged in a long while. I’ve had a massive writer’s block and whilst I’ve written some stuff in a notebook, it’s not anything I really want to repeat on here. So I realise I’ve probably lost a lot of followers and I know I’m not getting hundreds of views everyday (not that I ever did, in fact, I’m lucky if I get 20). But I’m kind of past caring. I’m just going to write now, when I want and about what I want and if you want to read it then, ‘yay’ if not, well, that’s fine too.
As you can probably tell, I’m a miserable bitch at the moment.
So I’m slowing eating myself to death. Eating loads of crisps and chocolate and getting fat and dying of a heart attack, not literally eating myself. That would be weird and cannibalism scares me. Just to clear that up. I’m back at uni with the intention to do work, get fit and no boys. Only one of these I am too successfully achieving. I’m sure you can guess which one. Ironically, the weather’s been shit all week and so has my mood. So I’ve come on here for some bitchin.’ And what I’m bitchin’ about first is my brain. I hate it.
Why, why, does your brain always seem to go on overdrive just before you are about to go to sleep?! I always get inspiration to write or think up weird ideas when I’m in bed. And it’s bloody frustrating. Of course, I have to get out of my warm and comfy bed to write it down because I can’t go back to sleep. The idea won’t be the same in the morning! And thinking! There are some things I spend the whole day trying not to think about. I do any meaningless task or talk about any meaningless rubbish just to distract myself. Yet, as soon as I’m given just a second of silence to ponder, BAM, it’s straight back in my mind. Exactly where I don’t want it. And as much as I try to exhaust myself during the day, in the hope that I will simply just fall asleep… not a chance. For hours I can lie there, my thoughts keeping me awake, replaying every little moment over and over again, every possible thing that could have been done differently, every possible scenario that could have been, if only I’d done this, if only I’d not done that, why didn’t I say this? My God, I wish my brain had an off switch. Or I wish I was a goldfish.