I am pleased to say that I am fully embracing student life again. Yesterday, I made a clothes line using the cord on my blinds and my pin board. Today, I blow-dried my clothes with my hair-dryer. We have a shit tumble dryer that keeps beeping at me and telling me to “empty the water.” I HAVE!!! Anyway, the one guy in our house that might be able to fix it was out so I had the choice. Go kickboxing in wet clothes or whack out the hair dryer for half an hour. In all fairness, after 15 minutes of the warm up I would be soaking wet and drenched with sweat anyway but I didn’t want people to think that I was so unfit that the walk was making me sweaty so I opted for the latter.
It’s crazy. I still feel far too immature to be renting a house. A house! Just the other day, I was crying with laughter because my housemate was doing a “seal dance.” This basically involved lying on the floor/ on top of my other housemate and wiggling, whilst making seal noises. She’s going to be twenty in two days. When I was a kid, twenty seemed adult. It seemed mature and grown up and old. I feel none of these. I feel the same as I did 5 years ago when I was doing my GCSE’s, just slightly more confident and slightly taller and slightly blinder. But I still don’t feel mature. I don’t feel much different.
But, I guess, when I really think about it, a lot has changed. I am more confident, even this last year I can feel it growing. I’ve lost that crippling shyness I had as a kid, the same one that made me hate secondary school in the beginning. The same one that led to me not having many friends when I first arrived. Relationships have also changed, moved on, gotten stronger. You realise who your true friends are when you leave your hometown. You realise who you actually care for and who you actually miss. Sometimes it is really hard. Sometimes missing them makes you almost wish you never left. But you have to, or how else will you get anywhere in life? And, against all odds I can actually cope living on my own- surprisingly well. Even better so this year, now I can actually cook slightly more meals than frozen pizza and spaghetti bolognese. And I can improvise… I might have a shit tumble dryer, but my hair dryer is Nicky Clarke 😉
Just a miserable little footnote to start off my miserable new post. Well, it’s not really a footnote, it’s at the top of the page. What’s the opposite of footnote? Headnote? Who knows? Who cares?
When I first started blogging, I did it because I’m a crazy, fame hungry woman who wants to take over the whole world with my
incredibly interesting, thoughtful and hilarious blog. I wanted thousands of followers and millions of hits and hundreds of awards.
Yeah, I’ve kind of given up on that idea.
I realise I haven’t blogged in a long while. I’ve had a massive writer’s block and whilst I’ve written some stuff in a notebook, it’s not anything I really want to repeat on here. So I realise I’ve probably lost a lot of followers and I know I’m not getting hundreds of views everyday (not that I ever did, in fact, I’m lucky if I get 20). But I’m kind of past caring. I’m just going to write now, when I want and about what I want and if you want to read it then, ‘yay’ if not, well, that’s fine too.
As you can probably tell, I’m a miserable bitch at the moment.
So I’m slowing eating myself to death. Eating loads of crisps and chocolate and getting fat and dying of a heart attack, not literally eating myself. That would be weird and cannibalism scares me. Just to clear that up. I’m back at uni with the intention to do work, get fit and no boys. Only one of these I am too successfully achieving. I’m sure you can guess which one. Ironically, the weather’s been shit all week and so has my mood. So I’ve come on here for some bitchin.’ And what I’m bitchin’ about first is my brain. I hate it.
Why, why, does your brain always seem to go on overdrive just before you are about to go to sleep?! I always get inspiration to write or think up weird ideas when I’m in bed. And it’s bloody frustrating. Of course, I have to get out of my warm and comfy bed to write it down because I can’t go back to sleep. The idea won’t be the same in the morning! And thinking! There are some things I spend the whole day trying not to think about. I do any meaningless task or talk about any meaningless rubbish just to distract myself. Yet, as soon as I’m given just a second of silence to ponder, BAM, it’s straight back in my mind. Exactly where I don’t want it. And as much as I try to exhaust myself during the day, in the hope that I will simply just fall asleep… not a chance. For hours I can lie there, my thoughts keeping me awake, replaying every little moment over and over again, every possible thing that could have been done differently, every possible scenario that could have been, if only I’d done this, if only I’d not done that, why didn’t I say this? My God, I wish my brain had an off switch. Or I wish I was a goldfish.